Introduction To The Haggis

An old battered and dirty painting was found in the attic of an undiscovered old Scottish castle in the Highlands.

Glen Haggis Castle has been unseen for over 100 years as it is obscured by three quite large mountains and is only accessible by a two-lane ancient asphalt trunk road. 

The painting sheds new light on the rare Haggis and its habitat.

Upon further investigation it was found that the Slotheby’s Cleaner in charge of the theory was not a Grand Masters Painting Cleaner and Restoration Specialist, but was in fact, just the janitor in charge of WC cleaning, which we thought meant Water-Colour cleaning.

It now means that most of the information we have printed here may be incorrect or not completely accurate. However, we believe that the pictures will tell their own story and reveal their own strange truths.

THE PAINTING & THE LAIRD OF GLEN HAGGIS

An old photograph taken of the Glen Haggis Clan at Glen Haggis Castle, Glen Haggis clearly shows the painting in its original position above the fireplace in the drawing room.

We assume that the devilishly handsome man in the photo must be the Ninth Laird of Glen Haggis. Accompanying him appears to be his twin sister Diana and his mother Doreen Victoria. The Ninth Laird of Glen Haggis, by amazing coincidence was actually called Glen Haggis. This name was handed down through the generations in fact it is believed that all the male-born were named Glen. Either that or the Ninth Laird is actually the First Laird and is over 900 years old. The painting may have been painted by the Laird himself as he was quite a clever man. He would often walk for hours-on-end looking for the elusive haggis on the moors.
Rumour has it, that on one occasion he was bitten by the animal whilst accidentally stumbling over it after a few too many ‘Glen Haggis’ whiskeys.  With blood spewing from his legs, neck and thumb, he hobbled back to the castle.

He apparently went to the stables to get a pair of step ladders, he dragged them over the cobbled courtyard and into the kitchen through the passage ways and into the drawing room, he put them up against the mantelpiece carefully so as not to disturb the vase of flowers and ornaments, then gently lifted the painting from the wall and proceeded slowly and painfully upstairs and placed it neatly behind an old chest in the attic in a fit of ferocious rage.

There it lay until it was found!

It was one of the most important finds of the century as it was the first ever record of the Haggis on canvas.

It was now possible to reveal the true face, shape, colour and texture of this creature.

The Haggis was also standing in front of, and close to, a full grown stag, so for the very first time it was now possible to determine its actual size.

The current incumbant The Twelfth Laird of Glen Haggis, Reginald Denke VIII runs a very important Foundation of Learning called the 'Reginald Denke Foundation '.